You are currently browsing the monthly archive for July 2010.

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Note to my body:
 
If we're not going to get pregnant, anyway, how about lightening up a little bit on the AF side of things? Is it really necessary to be so…shockingly present? Couldn't we maybe go a little easy on things, every now and then?
 
And let's speed things up this time. I know I'm not pregnant, so how about sticking around for 3 days, instead of 5-7? That would be fantastic. Thanks.
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>I just realized there were a few problems with the layout of my blog. I’m not sure what happened, but since I don’t have time to deal with it right now, I just swapped everything for one of the blogger templates. I was ready for a change, anyway!

>I haven’t been posting much lately because I really just haven’t had a lot to say. We’ve been really busy, which leaves me a little tired and without enough energy to really think about what I would want to write here. I’m also just really torn about what I want to do in our efforts to have a child. I generally lean toward doing nothing, but sometimes I second guess that. Other times, I think about trying acupuncture or other natual treatments, but I haven’t made much progress on that, either. I feel like my posts are all starting to sound the same…I’m torn about what to do, trying to accept that we may never have children, and dealing with the unpleasant reality of being infertile.

We watched Away We Go this weekend. I was a little hesitant to watch it, because I knew it was about a pregnant couple, but I had heard it was good. We decided to give it a try, and I was so glad we did! I loved it. I laughed a lot and felt a little emotional at times, but overall, it was just really good. Without runing it for those of you who haven’t seen it but might want to, I’ll just say that it has sort of an overall message (in my opinion, anyway) that no one’s life is perfect and sometimes, things just seem unfair – but you just have to do the best you can with the hand you’ve been dealt. It IS about a couple who got pregnant super easily, though, so it might be hard for some people to get past that. It wasn’t too much for me, especially because of the way they handled it. There is a scene about infertility/loss that is pretty heartbreaking, but I thought they captured it well. So, overall, I liked it.

The rest of the weekend was pretty good. I went for a run on Saturday, and it was SO warm. I realized I was spotting when I got home, and after looking at my calendar, I also realized that AF was due to arrive that day. How punctual! I thought. Then, the spotting went away, and nothing happened. I hate the stop-start spotting thing. It doesn’t always happen, but it’s annoying! AF has still not arrived, and I have to admit I did get my hopes up a little (especally after projectile-vomiting on Sunday and being nauseous all day), but this morning, the spotting is back and is now almost crossing the line from spotting to AF. Luckily, my nauseousness is subsiding, so at least I won’t have to deal with AF and feeling sick. I guess there’s always a silver lining.

(I think I was sick because of running in the heat on Saturday. I felt ok after the run, but I have a feeling I was dehydrated and didn’t realize it. I had been SO sweaty, and I probably didn’t replace enough of my fluids. I had beer at the pool during the day, and some wine on Saturday night, but I didn’t drink as much water as I usually do. I have a feeling it just added up, so I need to keep that in mind when it’s hot!)

We had dinner at a friend’s house on Saturday, and the couple with the baby was there. She’s so sweet – I would be lying if I said that stealing her hasn’t crossed my mind. 🙂 I really like the parents a lot, and now that we’ve seen them several times, the baby doesn’t bother me. The husband did ask us on Saturday if our families ever pressured us or gave us a hard time about not having kids, which was hard to answer. We both just said no. I wanted to say, No, because we can’t, but that didn’t come out of my mouth. After they were gone (and I had more wine), I did tell the two women that I know that we had been trying to have a child for two years, and that most likely, it isn’t going to happen for us. One of them already knew (and I thought she knew, but I wasn’t sure), but she said her husband forbid her from ever saying anything to me about it. I know that was his attempt at being sensitive, and I know that other people might appreciate that, but for me, it just feels wierd. I don’t want to talk about it all the time, necessarily, but acting like I’m in the same boat that they are (under 30, haven’t even started ttc yet), just feels bizarre. I’m sure they’ll all be pregnant soon enough, anyway.

I keep thinking about the movie, though, and I remind myself that sometimes, bad things happen to good people, and we all just deal with it the best we can.

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I can never tell for sure if I'm overly sensitive to comments about children, or if there are just an obscenely large number of these types of comments in any given day.
 
Here are some examples from yesterday and today:
 
-A friend posted an advice column on facebook where a childless person asked why people with children were so busy that they could never call or return calls to their childless friends. The author (the advice-giver) then described how time consuming it is to have a child, how there's never any down time or time to relax, etc. There was nothing really wrong with it, except that the author seemed somehow offended by the question. She seemed to indicate that the fact that this person was even asking was somehow insulting or insensitive. It was unfortunate, because the article could have been sort of helpful, I suppose, and the person who posted it in facebook seemed to embrace that aspect of it. All her mom-friends posted their appreciation for the article, but their comments had a "if you only knew" air about them. That – and the fact that the author seemed annoyed that someone would even ask this type of question – annoyed me. Plus, I would take that kind of busy if it were possible…so far, it's not.
 
-We were watching tv last night and saw a commercial for a phone where they're using some kind of video chat to introduce an older man to his new grandson. He asks his son, "How's it feel to be a dad?" "Great," he replies. I think M swore at the tv.
 
-On the radio this morning (I've complained about the morning radio show numberous times, so I am almost immune to it now), they discussed "missed moments" for new parents – baby's first steps, first laugh, first haircut, etc. People called in to report their own missed moments with their children, and they were asked to also highlight the differences between a first and second shild. M asked if we should call in and say that our missed moment is getting pregnant.
 
 
Sometimes, it just seems like its inescapable. I know that part of it is that I'm sensitive about it (my stomach tightens as soon as I hear someone is pregnant), but it does sometimes seem like there are references to children everywhere.
 
I won't let it ruin my weekend, though! Have a great weekend. 🙂

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No one should have to work in the summer. It was so nice to be away and have some fun! I dreaded being back at work, but it was unavoidable.
 
We had a great time visiting my in-laws, who are pretty easy-going and fun. We didn't end up telling them about our ttc efforts, and I would assume at this point that we never will. I actually give them credit for never asking or putting pressure on us, especially since M is an only child. M's dad was the only male in his family (he has one sister), so the family will end with M if we don't have children. I know they would love to be grandparents, and I'm thankful that they don't say anything that would make me feel bad about the fact that they aren't. I don't know if they think we don't want children (M didn't, initially) or if we can't, but either way, I'm glad that seeing them doesn't make me feel worse about it. Actually, seeing them DOES make me feel worse about it, but only because I imagine them as grandparents…it's not anything they purposely do.
 
After visiting them, we had to take an unexpected trip to see my family, because my grandmother had passed away. It wasn't unexpected, but I wanted to support my dad and attend the memorial service. I'm not close with that side of my family, and it was the first time I had seen my cousins in at least 10 years. They're all my age, and apparently, very fertile. One cousin had two children, one was pregnant, and the other had a little girl. I couldn't help but think that I had somehow gotten the short end of the stick. Other than that, the service was very nice, and it was great to see my family. My mom did ask me if I had been back to see the doctor, and I explained that I hadn't, because there really wasn't anything to discuss. I have the prescriptions for follistim and femara…I just don't know what we want to do about it. My mom said that if I've been indecisive for this long, then I'm probably not really committed to it. I thought at first she meant committed to the idea of having children, but I think (and hope) she meant committed to undergoing infertility treatment. It's hard to discuss with her, because she's a very black and white kind of person, and she has a hard time looking at things from other people's points of view. It's not that she doesn't care, because she does, but she doesn't always interpret things correctly. I have low expectations for getting pregnant each month, and probably because of that, I'm not devastated each month when my period arrives. I have a tiny bit of hope, but my expectations are low. I've pretty much accepted our current situation, but it doesn't mean that I'm not sad about it. We will most likely not pursue fertility treatment, but that doesn't mean that I'm not interested in having children. The fact that I haven't been able to get pregnant naturally will always be a dissapointement and will always make me sad. I have described it to M. as the way that Julia Child deals with infertility in Julie and Julia – you can see she is affected when she sees babies or hears of her sister's pregnancy, but she continues to lead a happy and fufilling life. I may be ok, but it doesn't mean I am not bothered by it. I think to my mom, the fact that I am not continuing treatment and have mostly accepted that we won't have children (with the caveat that it could still happen – unlikely, but not impossible), means that I don't have any negative feelings about it. I tried to explain it, but it's not easy. I tried to explain the isolating aspect of infertility (M's coworkers with children only socialize with other people with children, and I used that as one example), but she replied that making new friends is no reason to have children. That's obviously not what I meant. I said that it just makes our situation feel more pronounced, but I could tell she wasn't getting it. It's almost like I have to make a case for why it's difficult to find that you're unable to have children – which seems so obvious to me. I gave up after a while. She's also always been of the 'get over it – move on' kind of mindset, so even if she understood, I'm pretty sure that would be her response.
 
Generally, it doesn't really matter whether or not my mom comprehends how I feel about being infertile, but she does do things on occasion that are a little insensitive. A good friend f mine recently had a baby, and she asked if I saw the photos. I said I thought I did, but my mom wanted to make sure, since she's such a beautiful baby. I did see the photos, and I sent her a nice response, but I didn't feel it was necessary to give them a second look with my mom. Later, we talked about the possibility of getting a 2nd dog. When we were at my SIL's house, my mom mentioned we were debating whether or not we wanted to get a second dog (I'm not even sure why she mentioned it), and my SIL said she had, too. My brother and SIL have a 3-year old little boy, and my parents have been asking her if they'll have a second child. When my SIL mentioned a second dog, my parents said she should have another baby instead. They were half-teasing, but it still came off as 'a second dog is fine for E, because she can't have a baby, but you – fertile daighter in law – should have a baby instead.' Whether or not my SIL will have another baby is a separate issue, but I thought the whole discussion was bizarre and a little insensitive. I love seeing my family, but I hate bringing memories of those conversations back with me when I leave.
 
My mom is right about one thing, though – if I'm being this indecisive, then my mind is probably already made up.

>A lot has been going on lately, but the best use of my time has been getting ready for vacation! We’re leaving this weekend for a trip to see my in-laws on the west coast. It should be fun, and I am overjoyed that I don’t have to work for an entire week!

They still don’t know we’ve been ttc, even though it’s something we’ve planned to mention the last two times we saw them. M is an only child, so we are their only shot at grandchildren. I wanted to tell them ages ago, and telling them now is awkward. M never wanted children in his first marriage, so we’re not sure if they are just respecting our wishes, or if they are just aware that the issue is often complex. One of M’s cousins is unable to have children, and apparently, his parents wanted more than one child. So, I’m not sure if they are sensitive to issues related to infertility, or if they believe we don’t want children and are being sensitive to that. In some ways, it doesn’t matter, because the impact on them is the same. At the same time, though, I feel like they should know. My family knows (and pretty much my entire extended family), and while they never bring it up (I have an aunt and uncle who also cannot have children, so maybe that helps), I’m glad they know. I can’t really put into words why I feel this way, but I do.

So, maybe we’ll end up telling them. It’s just not the easiest thing to bring up, especially when things are looking bleak. We’ll almost have to say ‘The good news is we decided to try to have children. The bad news is that after almost two years, I’m still not pregnant. We just wanted you to know, but don’t get your hopes up.’

It will be a fun trip, though, regardless of whether or not we tell them.

I’m also trying to plan a trip later in the summer with my friends from college. One of them declined, because she has a 6-month old baby. I don’t blame her, but I did find it difficult to respond to her email. She said that it was just too hard for her to leave him (it would be an overnight weekend trip – not just dinner or anything), and said how she loves every minute of being a mom. It was hard to wrote back, really. I said that I understood, but I don’t really. I can only imagine.

History

2014
May: BFP for baby #2, due January 2015

2013
July: Our daughter is born!

2012
November: Still pregnant. Fingers crossed! EDD 7/5/13
October: retrieval 10/12; 5dt 10/17; BFP!!! 10/25-hcg=70; 10/29-hcg=391
September-October: IVF, microdose lupron flare protocol
June-July-August: approved! dealing with scheduling issues and most likely starting IVF in September
May: waiting for insurance approval to start treatment
April: laparoscopic surgery to remove endometrioma on left ovary; diagnosed with stage 3 endo
March: RE finds cyst - suspects endometrioma; also high FSH, low AMH
February: consult with RE; bloodwork, hsg

2011
January-February: Acupuncture once per week, vitex and natural progesterone after ovulation; back to charting bbt
March-April: end of ttc
May:diagnosed with severe cervical dysplasia (CIN III)
July-August: L.E.E.P. procedure and recovery

2010
December: Start acupuncture
May-November: Not actively trying/on a break/enjoying life
April: Not actively trying, still waiting for insurance coverage for injectables
January-March: still waiting to start injectables

2009
December 09-March 10: On a break while waiting to start injectables
November 2009: 50 mg Clomid CD 5-9; BFN
October 2009: All tests normal; Take 50 mg Clomid CD 5-9; BFN
July 2009: Ob/gyn asks for bbt chart, S/A, CD3 b/w; plan tbd.
April/May 2009: Switch from OPKs to the Clearblue Fertility Monitor
March/April 2009: Start using OPKs and bbt

2007-2008
Sept/Oct 2008: Stop preventing; 'if it happens, it happens'
Summer 2008: Stop BCPs; using bbt chart to prevent pregnancy
May 2007: Married again! husband #2; no plans for children

Previous Life
Fall 2005: Divorced
Summer 2005: See RE; more b/w, clomid challenge test, sonohysterogram; 2 Clomid IUI cycles - BFN; male factor discovered (he now has a child with wife #2)
Spring 2003: See ob/gyn for IF, get b/w and HSG; All results normal; Husband #1 gets S/A, which he says is normal; results never sent to ob/gyn
Spring 2002: Stop BCPs, begin ttc and charting bbt
Oct 2000: Married to husband #1