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>I have had a lot on my mind lately, and unfortunately, the more I have on my mind, the less I tend to accomplish. The only exception to that was when I got divorced. I was nervous and upset, but relieved, too – and I went into some kind of autopilot mode. I exercised (somewhat neurotically) every day, excelled at my job, and just tried really hard not to think about the fact that I had to move in with my parents, give up my dog (to my ex-husband, but still!), pay a lot of money to a lawyer, sell a house, and figure out how to divide up all the stuff we had accumulated after being married (for 5 years) and living together (for 2-3 years). I felt like I could snap at any time, but since it was going to be a change for the better, I persevered.

Right now, it’s harder. I’m obviously not getting a divorce – I love my husband dearly. But things are changing…I am losing my job, we shifted from thinking about having a child to trying to have a child and now facing infertility, we’re thinking about relocating, and we have mixed feelings about the fields we work in. It’s all intertwined, so I can’t think about one thing without considering the other. That leaves me with messy, scattered thoughts, and I end up accomplishing very little.

I kept writing to do lists – which I normally find very motivating – but I seem to just keep adding to them, without crossing anything off. I HAVE to make an appointment at the doctor’s office, though. It’s hard at work because I have no privacy, but I need to do it. I think I need to feel like I’m doing something to move forward. I don’t have any jobs to apply for right now, and I just feel like I’m stuck. Maybe if I can feel like I am making some progress in the baby area, it will help.

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>M has applied for two jobs and found out Friday and today that he didn’t get either one. I know things are competitive right now, but it’s just so frustrating! Granted, he HAS a good job right now…it’s me that’s the problem. I have one job to apply for locally, and it’s a long shot. You never know what will happen, but it’s frustrating. I just feel like we need a break…pregnancy – job – something!

I keep thinking that something will work out…that everything will be good in the end…but it’s hard not to feel like I’m carrying a weight around sometimes. I feel like we need a break…or a crystal ball.

>I had a small hope when AF was late that maybe this was how things were meant to be…instead of moving and finding new jobs, we would stay here and have a family. I thought the timing would just be so ironic. We’ve applied for jobs, are waiting to hear back, and have been thinking about new places. We’ve been so overwhelmed with what might happen or what should happen – wouldn’t it be ironic if none of it mattered, and that decision was made for us? Wouldn’t that be incredible if losing my job ended up not mattering, because we were going to have a baby?

That’s not what’s meant to be, though, at least for now. AF was only a day late, which is really what I expected. It was a nice thought, but here we go again. Another cycle, another month of not knowing if we’ll ever have children, and another month of trying to figure everything out.

>Yesterday was a strange day. It was a horrible day at work, and I felt like AF would arrive any minute. It seemed like people were talking about babies ALL day…little comments sprinkled throughout my rotten day. At one point, I was in a meeting that was not going very well, and someone entered the room who just became a grandparent. For a few minutes, everyone wanted to talk about how great it is to be a grandparent, congratulations all around, etc. I get that it’s exciting for some people, but my day was already not going well. Later, when I got my hair cut, my hairdresser talked about how her friend just had twins. I just started going to this woman, so I don’t know what her deal is yet. She doesn’t have children, but I don’t know if she wants them, doesn’t want them, is trying, hasn’t been able to have any so far, or what. I don’t want to ask, but she does seem to mention babies every time I’m there. That leads me to believe that it’s not an infertility issue, but I could be wrong. I avoid the whole topic like the plague, but everyone handles things differently. She makes comments that make it seem like she wants children, so it’s hard to say.

So, after telling me about the twins, we chatted, but I was honestly just not feeling very talkative. I was tired, crampy, and I had a lousy day. Apparently, I should have worked harder at continuing the conversation, because she started talking about that show about people they don’t realize they are pregnant until they go into labor. Seriously?!? That’s the last thing I felt like talking about. She gave one example of a girl who was on medication for a heart condition, who was also talking bcp’s. She had to be on antibiotics at some point, and she apparently got pregnant then and didn’t know it. All I could think was ‘holy cow – this woman was on antibiotics, heart medication, AND bcp’s, and she still got pregnant? What the heck is wrong with me?’). I learned my lesson – keep the conversation going, no matter how tired I am.

I think my body is getting back at me for my post yesterday about things being like clockwork. AF has still not arrived. Every now and then I get my hopes up, but it just seems so unlikely. It is weird, though. I’m 13 dpo today…but my lp is always (so far) 11 days. Either it’s late, or my lp has mysteriously gotten longer. That would be good, but I just don’t know what’s going on!

>My temperature is still high, but I am sure AF will arrive later today or tomorrow. When I was ttc many years ago, I feel like my temp dropped before AF. Now, AF is in full force before my temp. goes down. I always wonder why, but that seems to be the way it is. I’m actually surprised I don’t have it yet, because I usually would by now. I was spotting yesterday for a few minutes, but then more today. I would have my hopes up, but that’s how it always goes… Peak reading on the fertility monitor, ovulation 2 days later, 11-12 days of high temperatures, spotting, and then AF. It’s crazy to me that things can be so regular – so normal – and like clockwork – but here I am. A year of trying, and no pregnancy yet.

I wrote on my list of things to do to call the dr. to set up an appointment to go over my tests, but I might hold off. All my blood work was normal, so I know the next step would be something like Clomid. Since I am already ovulating, I just don’t know if I want to go down that road at the moment. Work is horrible, I’m looking for a new job, M is looking for a new job, and everything is uncertain. I don’t know if I want to bring physical discomfort (I remember that Clomid made me SO warm and SO bloated) and mental stress into the picture. I don’t expect to get pregnant right now, so I am really not all that let down when it doesn’t happen. If I start treatment, though, there’s a big potential for disappointment. I don’t know if I can deal with that right now, and that’s on top of my hesitation to start treatment for a problem that so far, is unidentifiable.

So, the uncertainty continues!

>I’m at 9 dpo today, so AF should arrive by the end of the week. M asked me recently if I felt bad about our inability to get pregnant so far. I’m not a very emotional person (especially outwardly), and with everything else we have going on, it’s probably not very obvious how I feel about it. I was glad he asked, but honestly, I don’t really even know the answer.

I obviously don’t feel good about it…it’s frustrating that we don’t know if we will ever have a child or what we should do about it. I don’t know if we should start treatment, try some other approach (acupuncture, etc.), keep trying, or just let it go. I see people with babies and think about how they didn’t have to deal with this, and it bothers me. People assume I can get pregnant whenever I want to, and the fact that they think that just shows how little they know about my life.

Last week, a coworker asked me about my job options, since we are all getting laid off. One position that will be available soon is similar to what I do now, except that it’s part time. I have serious issues with it, because my job is full time with a full time amount of work (if not more). I don’t see how it would be possible to succeed in the part-time job, because of the nature of the work. I also like my full time salary! After explaining that to my coworker, she said, ‘yeah but wouldn’t it be nice to work part time if you had kids?’ I said that it would, but since I am not pregnant and don’t have a child right now, I’d rather just keep working full time. She said ‘yeah, but you could get pregnant and have a baby, and then it would work out.’ ‘Right, I said…but I am not, so I don’t want to structure my life as if I am.’ Obviously, it’s hard for her to grasp that just because I’d like to be pregnant, doesn’t mean I will be. M’s coworkers have said similar things. When they heard I was losing my job, they said ‘perfect time to have kids, then!’ It’s so frustrating that it doesn’t even occur to them that not everyone can have kids when they want to.

All of that upsets me…and it would have been fantastic if I got pregnant a year ago when we started trying. But we didn’t. I’d still be thrilled if we did, but with so many other things happening right now, I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about it. I would say that it’s the insensitivity of others (like the woman at Sam’s Club who was trying to sell formula and insisted on asking me not once – but twice – if I ‘had any babies at home’) that gets to me more than anything right now.

What I’d like to have is some certainty. We don’t know where we’ll be living or working in the months ahead, and we have no way of knowing which decision is the right one. We don’t know if we’ll ever have children, or if we will – when that might be. All we can do is take one day at a time, control what we can, and hope for the best. And try to refrain from throwing things at the formula lady at Sam’s Club. 🙂

>I know I haven’t been posting here much, but I just don’t have much to say. I’d like to say that no news is good news, but it’s really that I have no news at all.

I’m still writing cover letters and waiting to hear from the people I’ve already contacted. M submitted his application and is now just waiting. I’ve been having a lot of weird dreams…probably from so much uncertainty in our lives right now.

I ovulated late again this month. At first, I was thinking it was because I stopped taking EPO, but after looking at my calendar, I’m not so sure. In May, I wasn’t charting my bbt, but I was using the fertility monitor. So far, it looks like I always ovulate on the second peak day. That means I would have ovulated on CD 16 in May and CD14 in early June. By later June, I was doing both the bbt and fertility monitor, and I ovulated on CD 14 again. That’s why ovulating on CD21 in July and CD 18 this cycle seemed abnormally long. Before May, though, I wasn’t using the fertility monitor or charting. My cycles were a little long (30 days in Jan, 30 days in Feb, 28 days in March, 28 days in April, and 30 days in early May), so I would assume that I ovulated on CD 19 for all the 30 days cycles (my lp is almost always 11 days-with an occasional 12).

Anyway…my point is that I can’t find any rhyme or reason to the change. I know it’s still within normal limits, but it’s interesting that there’s that much of a fluctuation.

I haven’t called the dr. yet to go over all our tests and come up with a plan. I just don’t know if I have the mental energy right now. Taking something like Clomid right now just seems like a bad idea…with everything else that we have going on. Work has been draining. It alternates between boring and stressful, but the fact that we’re closing is always weighing in the background. People keep leaving, and while I’m happy for them, it’s a reminder that I still don’t know what I’m going to do. It’s hard to be motivated and productive when no matter what you do, your job is still going away. Between that and not knowing yet what we’re going to do or what jobs we’re going to have, starting fertility treatment may not be such a hot idea.

The other issue with it is I have doubts that it will work. I’m ovulating already, so I don’t have a lot of confidence that ovulating more will make a difference. It probably doesn’t help that I went through two unsuccessful Clomid cycles cycles with my ex-husband. I responded well (almost too well – they were concerned I had way too many eggs), but it wasn’t until after two cycles that they realized he had serious problems with his sperm. After all that, though, he DOES now have a child (without any medical intervention and minimal time trying), and I do not. I just don’t have a ton of faith in that field of medicine, at least for me. I know they have done a lot of great things for a lot of people and had success, but I am jaded a little by my previous experience. I know there’s a possibility it could work, and if it had been three months ago (when our lives were fairly certain and relatively normal), I would have given it a shot under a ‘what have I got to lose’ approach. I’m afraid that right now, my sanity would be on the line.

I do intend to call the doctor, though, and at least see what she has to say. I have NO privacy in my office at work, which is also causing a delay. My plan is to at least have a chance to call within the next week, so hopefully I can see what she thinks before the end of the month. I doesn’t mean I’m committed to do anything, but I’d like to hear what she has to say.

>Things are – of course – still up in the air, as I’m sure they will be for a while. We worked on cover letters and websites all weekend, and I am happy we made some progress. Now we are teetering on the edge of ‘is it ready to submit’ or ‘do I review it for the billionth time,’ but I’m sure things will be wrapping up here soon. My positions have deadlines, which is helpful. M’s don’t, which is awkward and sort of anxiety-causing. I have two cover letters to finish this week (yikes!), on top of the one I finished yesterday but have not sent. I have two more to do after that, but one is already written and just needs to be revised. M is applying one job at a time, which makes more sense for his field.

It’s all scary, but exciting. It’s amazing how when faced with a problem, your fears evolve. We’ve gone through a few stages, but my newest fear is that M will get an offer and I won’t, or the other way around. In all honesty, my biggest fear is that I’ll get an offer and M won’t. I have been rejected hundreds – if not thousands – of times in my life. I know I can take it. I worry that M can’t, though. What would really make me happiest is if we both got offers, especially within the same day. 🙂

I found my suit in the closet and was so happy that it fit. I am taking it as a good sign!

It’s amazing how having your entire life turned upside down and being faced with uncertainty really puts ttc on the back burner. We’re still giving it a try, though. I got the high reading on the monitor yesterday and today, so I should get the peak sometime soon. I do wonder, in the back of my mind, how being pregnant would affect our plans, but it just seems so unlikely. I’m pretty sure that September or October marks one month of ttc, so have a pretty good idea what we’re facing (especially because I’ve been through this before). It could still happen, but I can honestly say we are not expecting it to. We say ‘if we have children,’ but at the same time, we aren’t really planning for it. Like everything else, it’s up in the air.

>I haven’t been posting much, probably because I am spending so much time writing cover letters. It’s been taking me longer than I expected to figure out exactly what I want to say, and the best way to say it.

In the meantime, we are still ttc. M dropped my bbt charts off at the doctor’s office this week, so I would expect to meet with her within a few weeks. I’m not sure what’s ahead. On one hand, I want to get the ball rolling, but on the other, I’m hesitant. If she actually finds a problem or has a suspicion that there’s something specific preventing me from getting pregnant, that’s one thing. If she thinks everything looks fine, though, I’m just not sure what I want to do right now. Part of me wants to give it more time, and part of me doesn’t want to waste time. Another part of me just wants to stop thinking about it.

I went to a party last night for one of my coworkers. It was a lot of fun…lots of drinks, tasty food, and good conversation. Since we’re all getting laid off, future plans were a big topic. It’s sort of inspiring – so many of us are really looking at this as an opportunity for change. Instead of taking the first job that’s available in the town we all currently live in, a lot of us are thinking about where we really want to live and what we want to do. A lot of people are applying for jobs out of state, and it’s sort of exciting. It’s amazing, though, what a difference it makes if you have a child. One of my coworkers told me she was envious of us because we didn’t have children. Her kids are in school, and she feels tied to the area. While it stung for a minute (she doesn’t realize we’ve been trying to have kids), the fact that we don’t have children does make us more flexible. Another one of my coworkers wants to start his own business, but is concerned because they have a baby on the way.

I would have loved it if we had gotten pregnant right away…I would already have a baby by now. I would have loved it if I got pregnant last month, too, or any of the months in between. I would love it if I was pregnant right now, and instead of looking for another job, I would just work for the 6 months I have left and then be a stay at home mom for a year.

But I’m not. And instead, we’re making plans to possibly move…exciting plans that might allow M to work at one of the best places in his field, at a place he has always wanted to work. I’m writing cover letters for jobs that will give me a fresh start and getting excited about the idea of starting over together. While it would be great if I were pregnant, we do have options right now that we would not pursue if we had a child. We may end up staying where we are, but at least we will have tried. I don’t always buy into the idea that everything happens for a reason, or if the time is right, it will happen. Part of me, though, wonders if this is just the way things are supposed to be right now. Maybe, in the end, it will all work out, and I’ll be glad things went the way they did.

History

2014
May: BFP for baby #2, due January 2015

2013
July: Our daughter is born!

2012
November: Still pregnant. Fingers crossed! EDD 7/5/13
October: retrieval 10/12; 5dt 10/17; BFP!!! 10/25-hcg=70; 10/29-hcg=391
September-October: IVF, microdose lupron flare protocol
June-July-August: approved! dealing with scheduling issues and most likely starting IVF in September
May: waiting for insurance approval to start treatment
April: laparoscopic surgery to remove endometrioma on left ovary; diagnosed with stage 3 endo
March: RE finds cyst - suspects endometrioma; also high FSH, low AMH
February: consult with RE; bloodwork, hsg

2011
January-February: Acupuncture once per week, vitex and natural progesterone after ovulation; back to charting bbt
March-April: end of ttc
May:diagnosed with severe cervical dysplasia (CIN III)
July-August: L.E.E.P. procedure and recovery

2010
December: Start acupuncture
May-November: Not actively trying/on a break/enjoying life
April: Not actively trying, still waiting for insurance coverage for injectables
January-March: still waiting to start injectables

2009
December 09-March 10: On a break while waiting to start injectables
November 2009: 50 mg Clomid CD 5-9; BFN
October 2009: All tests normal; Take 50 mg Clomid CD 5-9; BFN
July 2009: Ob/gyn asks for bbt chart, S/A, CD3 b/w; plan tbd.
April/May 2009: Switch from OPKs to the Clearblue Fertility Monitor
March/April 2009: Start using OPKs and bbt

2007-2008
Sept/Oct 2008: Stop preventing; 'if it happens, it happens'
Summer 2008: Stop BCPs; using bbt chart to prevent pregnancy
May 2007: Married again! husband #2; no plans for children

Previous Life
Fall 2005: Divorced
Summer 2005: See RE; more b/w, clomid challenge test, sonohysterogram; 2 Clomid IUI cycles - BFN; male factor discovered (he now has a child with wife #2)
Spring 2003: See ob/gyn for IF, get b/w and HSG; All results normal; Husband #1 gets S/A, which he says is normal; results never sent to ob/gyn
Spring 2002: Stop BCPs, begin ttc and charting bbt
Oct 2000: Married to husband #1