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>Things have been a little hectic here…we’re still not sure what our future holds, but we’re making the best of it. Sometimes, I find the whole thing exciting, and other times, I want to vomit.

I’m only on CD6 for this cycle, so there’s not much to report. I need to drop off my bbt charts at the doctor’s office, but I haven’t done it yet. I have been horrible about taking my temperature the last few days, but I think I’m going to try to keep up with it. Initially, I planned to stop doing it once I finished the charts for my doctor, but I am liking the combination of the fertility monitor and bbt.

I’m really curious what the doctor will have to say and wonder about what our next steps will be. Having everything up in the air is taking a little bit of a toll on me lately, but I’m trying to remain optimistic!

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>Our local morning radio show has a weekly segment where listeners can send in a question or problem for feedback from the other listeners. It’s sort of interesting to hear what people send in, and I generally enjoy hearing the responses. I don’t always agree, but it’s good background noise when we’re getting ready for work in the morning.

Today, the question had to do with baby names.

You can probably see where this is going.

The person who sent in her problem had a baby name that she always liked, but she never told anyone or wasn’t very outspoken about it. She’s pregnant, and so is her sister-in-law. Her SIL told her the name they chose, and it was the same name! So, now she wasn’t sure what to do.

I get the issue – I’m sure it would be aggravating. What bothered me, though, was not the opinions of the callers, but the sheer number of people who were pregnant, had been pregnant, had three kids, had four kids, had friends that were pregnant at the same time, cousins that were pregnant, sisters that were pregnant – and had to figure out who got dibs on the name they wanted.

The quantity bothered me…and one perspective was missing. There were no callers who said that they had names picked out, but didn’t have an opportunity to use them…and didn’t know if they ever would.

>AF started in the middle of the night last night. Some fairly serious cramping woke me up, and then it was hard to go back to sleep (even after taking ty.lenol). I have to say that it’s bad enough to have AF arrive, but it does annoy when it interrupts my sleep. It’s like adding insult to injury!

So, we’re on to another cycle. I have my two completed bbt charts now, so I can drop them off at the doctor’s office. I’ll see what she has to say and then go from there. Of course, everything is up in the air with applying for new jobs and possibly moving, so I don’t know how far we’ll get. I feel somehow at peace with the whole thing, though. I do get a little queasy when I think about moving – leaving my nice home that I put so much effort into, not knowing where we’ll be or what will happen – but I do feel at peace on the ttc front. Lately, it’s like we’ve been swimming upstream and trying so hard to make things work…trying to get pregnant when it isn’t happening, M. trying to like his job when he hates it, me trying to stay optimistic when I am losing my job, trying to stay where we live now, even though things don’t seem to be working out. My family doesn’t help – saying that if we had kids, M’s job wouldn’t matter to him so much, that I’ll find another job eventually, that of course I’ll get pregnant at some point. It like our problems aren’t really problems to them.

We don’t know if we’ll end up moving or not and if we’ll end up having children or not, but at least I feel like we’re exploring all our options. We’ll see where we end up.

>I started to write that things have been quiet lately, but then I realized that isn’t true at all. I think it would be more realistic to say that things have been quiet, with an undercurrent of insanity. The plus side is that I have been kind of distracted from thinking about ttc, which is always good.

First, things are totally up in the air because of my job. My last day is in March, which is far away, but it’s still bringing a lot of uncertainty into our lives. I thought I had another position lined up, but now there’s a funding issue, and it’s on hold. That doesn’t mean something else won’t come up by March, because it totally could, but it’s up in the air. When it seemed like this other position was going to work out, staying where we are seemed to make the most sense. We would keep working, keep ttc, probably try at least a few cycles of treatment, and then see where things stood in a year or so. With that job sort of off the table (at least for now), it’s made us think a little more about whether or not we want to stay. We aren’t opposed to staying, necessarily, but a job has come up that M. would love to apply for. It’s sort of his dream job…and it’s in another state. They actually have offices in two states, but we may not have a choice which one they send him to.

There’s a lot that has to be factored into it – whether or not he even gets the job and how much they’ll pay are at the top of the list. We would have to rent our condo instead of selling it, but I’ve come to terms with that. There are two jobs for me to apply for, too, but if those don’t work out, I could be in trouble. My application and interview process can take anywhere from 2-4 months, and M’s is much quicker. As you can see, it’s a gamble.

What we’ll do if I get pregnant along the way is enough to make me queasy. Of course, I want that to happen, but at the same time, having it happen in the middle of a job application process and move would be tough. The areas we might move to are outrageously expensive, so staying home with a baby is out of the question. And then there’s the whole fertility treatment aspect…treatment isn’t covered in either of these states, so we would just keep trying without any kind of assistance (at least for now). Again, it’s a gamble. What if staying and going through treatment would have given us a family? What if we regret it?

I know I can’t make decisions on whether or not we might have a child, living in a state that provides mandated fertility coverage, and who knows what else could happen in the next four or five years of my life. I’m hoping to at least stay where we are until January, so you never know what can happen in the meantime. So things are quiet – but crazy at the same time.

>I forgot one thing when I have my random update yesterday.

I ovulated SO late this cycle…on CD21. That puts me at 7 dpo now.

About a year ago, I was having long cycles like this…averaging around 32-35 days instead of 28. I’m glad I’m charting my bbt’s now, because I know not to get too excited when AF is late. That happened last year, and it was one of the more upsetting months. At least now I know not to expect anything until next week.

I don’t know if the difference was from traveling, or if it was because I stopped taking evening primrose oil (I was only taking it from AF -> O, but I stopped completely now). If it’s the EPO, that’s a really strange affect.

The plus side of the whole thing is that I ended up ovulating on the day that I saw M., so we at least had a shot. I don’t know how good our chances really are, but at least it’s a chance!

>I haven’t posted here in ages! It was too hard to do it while I was on vacation, then things have been busy since I got back. Plus, I have had all these thoughts swirling around in my head, and I can’t decide what to write about. I think I’ll sum it all up with some randomness-

– Being on vacation in my home state was great. I got to see so many old friends (some from college that I had not seen in 7-8 years!) and spend a ton of time with my family.

– Two of my friends are pregnant! One had a miscarriage in December, and is now in her 13th week. The other had several miscarriages, but is now in her 15th week. She said she lost the others by 8 weeks, so this seems good. I’m so happy for them!

– As happy as you can be for someone when they announce their pregnancy, it feels awkward and slightly uncomfortable. It’s like when someone goes on a vacation that you think you would like, and you say “Oh I’ve always wanted to do that” or “I’ve thought about doing that myself!” – except a million times more awkward. You can’t exactly say ‘Congrats! I want to be pregnant, too!”

– We had been fairly private about our ttc efforts in the past, but we had decided to be more open about it. So, I pretty much went from no one knowing to feeling like everyone and their mom and brother knowing within a week. That was kind of odd.

– The first weekend of my vacation, I went to a bridal shower/bachelorette party. It was amazing how much ttc came up in conversation. Even more impressive was that there was only one comment that I found irritating. One woman explained that if more people could just relax about it, more people would get pregnant. ‘Look at all those people who adopt and then find out they’re pregnant,’ she said. Frighteningly, this person has a medical degree. Since we just met that morning, I let it go.

– When I told my mom we were ttc, she was really beyond excited. But then I had to tell her that it had been almost a year, and that we already went to the dr. for some preliminary testing. That was sort of like letting the air out of a balloon. Since we already went through all this with my ex-husband, they are somewhat familiar with the whole thing. That first day, they were really good and supportive. My mom even gave me a hug (she is not a big hugger) and said ‘everything will work out.’ That was nice. By the end of the trip, though, her mood had changed. I said something about ‘having a hard time getting pregnant,’ and she got annoyed and said ‘you are NOT having a hard time…it’s just taking you longer.’ Ummmm – I sort of thought having ‘it take a long time’ and having no pregnancy to show for it so far would BE the definition of ‘having a hard time.’

– My mom told my whole extended family that we are ttc. She didn’t ask ahead of time, and waited until after she said ‘I have some exciting news’ to ask me if it was ok to tell them. What was I supposed to say then? They’re standing right there! At that point, too, the last thing I wanted them to think was that I was pregnant. So, they all know. We’re all close, so it’s fine, but it’s just so awkward. They all assume it will happen, and I don’t feel like I can guarantee that.

– I came back to find out I will definitely be losing my job. My last day is March 15th. It’s a while away, so hopefully something will work out in the meantime. Or, we may decide to move in the spring – who knows.

– No matter how much time goes by, family dynamics seem to stay the same. I love them, and I have so much more to say, but I think this is enough for now!

>Thanks to both Sarah at http://callmemama.wordpress.com/ and Low Fat Lady at Tales of My Follies for my award! That was very sweet of both of you!

The rules of the “One Lovely Blog Award” are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

I need to work on my list of 15 blogs to pass the award on to, but I have to wait until I am back from vacation. Thanks again to you both – and especially to Sarah for explaining how to add the image! I think vacation is affecting my brain! 🙂

>I debated about going to buy more test sticks for the fertility monitor yesterday, but I finally pay the $50 and bought them. I can’t believe I didn’t bring enough, but I didn’t. I finally got the peak this morning, so I was apparently just short two sticks! I was glad I bought them, though, since I have the peak reading now. I’ll either ovulate tomorrow or Friday, and since M. won’t be here until Friday, our chances are slim. But, better late than never, I suppose!

I told my mom about our ttc efforts. M. and I agreed ahead of time that we would, and I was glad I did. It’s kind of a relief, really. It’s awkward to explain, because at first she was super happy, but then I had to add that it’s already been close to a year. So it ends up like a good news/bad news kind of thing. I think my mom felt bad that I was in this situation again, and she dealt with it pretty well. When my ex-husband and I were dealing with infertility, she was always supportive, but something was always missing. For one thing, she didn’t like my ex-husband, but I think the other difference is that she didn’t realize how much she would enjoy being a grandparent. My brother and his wife have a two-year-old, so I think she’s extra excited about the idea of M. and I having a child. It also makes the fact that it isn’t happening more upsetting, I think. So, she told my dad, and then my brother…so before long, it will be extended-family wide knowledge. It’s fine, though…it’s nothing to be ashamed of, and M. is pretty public about it with most people. I was pretty open about it when I saw a bunch of friends over the weekend, too, so we’ve gone from no one knowing to pretty much everyone in a matter of days.

At first, I liked it that people didn’t know, but now I’m glad they do. It was sort of like I had a secret, or something I didn’t want anyone to know. It’s sort of liberating to talk about it. I would assume we are out of luck this month, but maybe I’ll have good news (instead of good news/bad news) to share sometime soon.

>I am still on vacation and am having a great time! Even though M. isn’t with me, I’m keeping track of my bbt and am still using my cbfm so I can give everything to the doctor. The weird thing is that I have STILL not ovulated. It’s CD 17, and the monitor is still reading as ‘high’ instead of ‘peak.’ My temperature is still low, too. We’ll see what tomorrow brings, but I only have one test stick left for the monitor and may be out of luck. You’re supposed to use all the test sticks for one cycle from the same box, so I don’t think buying more will help (unless they just say that to get you to buy more sticks). I have ovulated right around CD 14 and 15 in the past, so I just didn’t think I would need that many. Travel really complicates things!

I am totally exhausted! I have more to say, but it will have to wait until another day!

>I was really hoping my fertility monitor would show a “high” today (CD 13), but no such luck. It’s still “low,” which is too bad. It could jump to peak tomorrow, so you never know. I was hoping maybe I would ovulate tomorrow, but I think I am out of luck. It’s a bit of a disappointment, since tomorrow morning is my last chance to see M. before I go out of town for a week. Granted, the last 10 or 11 times we’ve tried this didn’t result in the much-desired BFP, but I was still hopeful.

I know that my sleeping schedule is also going to get a little screwed up Friday and Saturday night, which is probably going to screw up my bbt chart. I was hoping I could have ovulated before the weekend, so that the screw up would have less of an impact. It’s so aggravating…Two months in a row, I have things going on that I can’t get out of – that involve at least some alcohol – and that will affect my sleep – right at the same time I’m ovulating. The last two months have just been unusually busy (friends moving away, friends getting married, etc.), but these are the months my doctor is going to see. Oh well…what can you do? At least my chart is off to a better start than it was last month – and even that one ended up ok.

My guess is that I’ll ovulate over the weekend and that AF will arrive somewhere around the 26th or 27th. If I bring my charts in to the doctor then, I would assume we would go in at some point after that to talk about our next steps. I’m guessing that we would start some form of treatment the following cycle, which would probably be mid/end-September. It’s definitely a slow process!

History

2014
May: BFP for baby #2, due January 2015

2013
July: Our daughter is born!

2012
November: Still pregnant. Fingers crossed! EDD 7/5/13
October: retrieval 10/12; 5dt 10/17; BFP!!! 10/25-hcg=70; 10/29-hcg=391
September-October: IVF, microdose lupron flare protocol
June-July-August: approved! dealing with scheduling issues and most likely starting IVF in September
May: waiting for insurance approval to start treatment
April: laparoscopic surgery to remove endometrioma on left ovary; diagnosed with stage 3 endo
March: RE finds cyst - suspects endometrioma; also high FSH, low AMH
February: consult with RE; bloodwork, hsg

2011
January-February: Acupuncture once per week, vitex and natural progesterone after ovulation; back to charting bbt
March-April: end of ttc
May:diagnosed with severe cervical dysplasia (CIN III)
July-August: L.E.E.P. procedure and recovery

2010
December: Start acupuncture
May-November: Not actively trying/on a break/enjoying life
April: Not actively trying, still waiting for insurance coverage for injectables
January-March: still waiting to start injectables

2009
December 09-March 10: On a break while waiting to start injectables
November 2009: 50 mg Clomid CD 5-9; BFN
October 2009: All tests normal; Take 50 mg Clomid CD 5-9; BFN
July 2009: Ob/gyn asks for bbt chart, S/A, CD3 b/w; plan tbd.
April/May 2009: Switch from OPKs to the Clearblue Fertility Monitor
March/April 2009: Start using OPKs and bbt

2007-2008
Sept/Oct 2008: Stop preventing; 'if it happens, it happens'
Summer 2008: Stop BCPs; using bbt chart to prevent pregnancy
May 2007: Married again! husband #2; no plans for children

Previous Life
Fall 2005: Divorced
Summer 2005: See RE; more b/w, clomid challenge test, sonohysterogram; 2 Clomid IUI cycles - BFN; male factor discovered (he now has a child with wife #2)
Spring 2003: See ob/gyn for IF, get b/w and HSG; All results normal; Husband #1 gets S/A, which he says is normal; results never sent to ob/gyn
Spring 2002: Stop BCPs, begin ttc and charting bbt
Oct 2000: Married to husband #1