Sometimes, I feel like all my rational thought has gone out the window.

I felt really good after my doctor’s appointment on Monday. Everything looked good, we heard the heart beat, and my doctor estimated that our chances of miscarriage were down to about 12%. All great news! I breathed a sigh of relief and enjoyed the rest of my day. I realized on Tuesday morning, though, that no one had called me to update me on my bloodwork. They’re only monitoring my estradiol and progesterone at this point, but I’d still like to know what’s going on. I got in touch with the nurse on Tuesday, and I guess my bloodwork results had been delayed for some unknown reason. After looking at the results, my doctor decided I could stop taking crinone. She said my progesterone had gone up each week and was now up to 42, which meant my body was producing enough of it to stop the crinone. I was happy that not only was my body doing what it was supposed to, but I could stop taking the crinone, too! I have to get my progesterone checked on Friday, just to make sure everything is going ok, which is reassuring, too.

My happiness has turned to fear as I’ve become convinced that I’m not producing enough progesterone. I know rationally that everything looked fine – that my levels kept increasing as my dose stayed exactly the same – but it still freaks me out. On top of that, crinone leaves behind some “residue.” This may be TMI (unless you’re taking crinone – then you probably know all about it), but it leaves behind these chunks of stuff that are kind of gross. Even though I didn’t take crinone yesterday, I’m still dealing with its aftermath. Yesterday, I passed some rather large chunks, and along with it was almost a tiny bit of spotting. Spotting is almost too strong of a word – it was more like CM with a little bit of a brown tint to it. I freaked out, of course, but at the same time, I’m fairly confident that it’s from the crinone debris that’s all wedged up in there. I was on it for 4-and-a-half weeks, so who knows what’s going on in there (and how much it got moved around when I had my ultrasound!). Still, though, even knowing that, and that it hasn’t happened since – I’m still completely paranoid.

I still feel lousy, and my boobs still hurt, so that’s reassuring, but I wish I could just let go of this fear that something is going wrong.